DESSERT: Chocolate Hot Mess

I got snowed in this weekend, so I decided to convert my boredom into a sugar rush. Pretty sure I gained two pounds in the process, but whatevs. I'm just stoked because I got to use the cocoa powder I accidentally bought in Holland, thinking it was hot chocolate. Oops.

This recipe is a two-parter, so put your domestic hat on...

IN A POT:
1/2 cup brown sugar
3/4 cup water
2 T. cocoa powder
....and bring it to a boil.

IN A BOWL:
1 box of brownie mix (I like the fudgy kind)
2 eggs
1/3 cup peanut butter
1/2 cup applesauce (this makes it healthy...right?)
1/4 cup water
1/2 cup chocolate chips
....and pour the batter into a greased slow cooker.

Dump the boiling sugar-goo over the batter, but don't mix it in. Cook the whole thing on HIGH for about two hours, but check it periodically so it doesn't overcook. Same way you'd check brownies -- stick a toothpick in it and see if it comes up clean. Really, this is just a hybrid of molten lava cake and fudge brownies. It ain't pretty, but if you serve it hot with ice cream, it's perfection.

SIDES: Easy-Cheesy Potatoes

Velveeta is like my bad-boy crush. I know it's wrong, but I can't resist. I was in a comfort-food mood last night, so these scalloped potatoes are full of bad choices. I'll do penance at the gym next week, I promise.

• 2 cans of sliced white potatoes (low-sodium)
• 6-8 slices of bacon
• 1 cup shredded asiago cheese
• a cup or two of cubed Velveeta (about 2/3 of the big bar)
• 1/2 cup heavy cream
• 1/2 cup skim milk

Fry the bacon; don't spill the fat on the hot burner and almost burn down your kitchen like I did. Shred it and add it to your slow cooker with all the other ingredients. Cook on LOW for 2 hours, or until the cheese is all melty. It may seem a little thin while it's cooking, but once you remove the lid and let it cool for a minute or two, the "pasteurized cheese product" will magically attempt to reconstitute itself, creating a thick, gooey sauce. Yum.

ENTREE: Bootleg Chili

Some chili purists believe that real chili shouldn't have beans. But purity's never been my strong point. And when it comes to beans, my personal policy is: The more, the merrier. So here's my recipe for thick, meaty chili with just a little bit of kick -- not enough kick to put hair on your chest or anything, but enough to make it interesting.

• 1 lb. ground turkey (or beef, if you want to keep it real)
• 1 can kidney beans (Goya oh boya!)
• 1 can black beans
• 1 can (14 oz) diced tomatoes (I like Del Monte with zesty jalapenos)
• 1 can (6 oz) tomato paste
• 1 can (14 oz) stewed tomatoes (I go for low-sodium)
• 1 can (10 oz) Campbell's tomato soup concentrate
• 1 1/2 T. chili powder
• 1 T. minced garlic
• 1/2 T. cumin
• 1 t. crushed red pepper
• pinch of black pepper

Brown the ground turkey, then add everything to your slow cooker. Cook on LOW for a couple of hours -- doesn't really matter, because the meat's already cooked. For me, 3 hours did the trick. I served it with Italian boule bread, but any carbolicious dipping tool will do!

ENTREE: Pulled Porkgasm

There aren't many sandwiches as tasty as pulled pork. I think I've officially perfected my pulled pork recipe. I could seriously eat this every meal for the next year. Remind me of that resolution when I weight 300 pounds...

• 1 1/2 lbs boneless pork loin
• 1/2 cup organic ketchup
• 1/2 cup cider vinegar
• 1/4 cup brown sugar (not packed)
• 3 T. McCormick mesquite seasoning
• 2 T. Tabasco Worcestershire sauce
• 1 t. ground mustard

Throw everything in the slow cooker and cook on LOW for 8 hours. Flip the pork loin halfway through, if you happen to be near the slow cooker. About 20 minutes before you're ready to eat, shred the pork so it can soak up the tasty sauce better. I served it on Grands flaky biscuits -- maybe not the healthiest choice, but delicious and totes recommended.

APPETIZER: Sweetballs

I'm kind of a one-trick pony when it comes to appetizers -- I've probably brought the same spinach-artichoke dip to every party I've attended since 2005. But no more! Now I'm a two-trick pony! A beef craving inspired these tasty balls, which would make Pete Schweddy proud.

(If you haven't experienced the magic of Pete Schweddy, please take a moment...)


Anyway. Here's the recipe:
1 can cranberry sauce
3/4 cup ketchup (again, Heinz organic is the bomb)
1/4 cup brown sugar (not packed)
1/2 can of beef broth
a bag of frozen meatballs

Put everything but the meatballs in your slow cooker, and cook on HIGH for half an hour. Add the meatballs, reduce heat to LOW, and cook for 2 hours or until the meatballs are thawed. Balls accomplished.

ENTREE: Biere Dip

There are few foods in the world I love more than French dip. Seriously. If you put Russian caviar next to a poorly-made French dip, I'd still pick the dip -- no question. So it was high priority for me to come up with a solid French dip recipe. And here it is.

• 1 1/2 pounds of chuck roast, cubed
• 12 oz of beer (I used Leinenkugel, but I bet an amber or a stout would be even better...)
• 1 can of beef broth (low-sodium for me)
• 1 package of onion soup mix (generic rocks)
• 1/2 cup of soy sauce (Kikkoman)
• 1 Tbsp minced garlic

Throw everything in the slow cooker on HIGH for 6 hours. Move the beef to a bowl and shred it with a fork; put the shredded beef on a roll.  Strain the little onion bits out of the broth, and make bowls of au jus for dipping. My hubby recommends a slice of cheese on the sandwich, but I can go either way. Tres delish, dude.

ENTREE: Fakeyaki

I'm addicted to Chinese food but a total wok-o-phobic. Too easy to overcook the chicken, too easy to undercook the veggies. Not to mention, my inner health nut feels guilty super-soaking the pan with sesame oil. So I came up with this dish that takes about five minutes to prep, two hours to cook, and tastes like real teriyaki. You don't even have to invest in sake.

• 3/4 cup brown sugar
• 1/2 cup organic ketchup (I'm anti-HFCS)
• 3/4 cup soy sauce
• 1 Tbsp minced garlic
• 1/4 cup cider vinegar
• 1 lb. boneless chicken breast, cubed

Throw the chicken on a cast iron skillet for about two minutes, so the outsides are white but the insides are still pink, then throw it in the slow cooker along with everything else. Whisk it up and cook on HIGH for two hours. Added steamed broccoli for the last 15 minutes of cook time (or add frozen broccoli halfway through). Serve over rice, obvi.